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Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Grim Reaper and Other Play Dates

I was wondering why we call the Grim Reaper grim. Isn’t the passing into the next life suppose to be wondrous and happy? The idea of a grim, boney, faceless, hooded soul with a sickle does hold some appeal to me, however. He wouldn’t have to say,
“ Come with me, you know what you have done”,
I would go without being asked, dragged or sickled . I never believed I deserved Heaven, in fact I have felt just the opposite.

If there were real justice, we would all be in Hell, at least if only for a good spanking. That is me judging so you can see just one of the reasons why I would be going. I just think with the whole energy crisis that Hell and it’s eternal flames must be rather expensive to run and even Satan must dread the monthly heating bill. Same goes for Heaven, the constant temperature of perfection must be a bill that has God even wondering why he opened the gates or least wondering why he didn’t insulate. It is not that I think most people are bad I just never believed in eternal reward or punishment. Forty years with me has, at times, felt like an eternity….I am not sure I want to experience me forever

Grim ( as his friends? call him) has many souls to pick up if my math is correct. Which could only mean that there were more than one of them. Maybe one is really large and not all bones like in the pictures. I am not sure how I would feel if I answered the door, however,  and saw that death had been eating better than me. It could be that the Grim that comes for you is the opposite of you. I may have a munchkin Grim that hangs onto my belt as he takes me away.
“Not so fun being tall today, is it” ? steams from his hood as we get into a mini couper. I think if Hell where Hell, however, he would show up and just start the tease.
“I’m not hear for you today, I was just checking the address”. This way you could stew in what you had done and prepare yourself for the constant torment that lay ahead. I am sure that when Grim came for Hitler, the other Grims had to pull overtime. They all came. No since letting such a prize get away with a last minute profession of Christ and what better story to tell the little Grims than the day you harvested more than hops from Germany.

Like with all dead end jobs, I would think Grim would need time off like the rest of us. We all spend our down time a little different and this would be no exception. Since we always sit around and worry about death, does he sit around worrying about life? I would imagine in his spare time, he wouldn’t interact well with others. I don’t imagine that any of his neighbors would borrow tools and not return them. Can you imagine holding onto a drill and having death come knocking on your door? I could see Grim stopping by if I committed a murder but for borrowing a screwdriver? Play dates for his children would be a problem. I mean few people would want to refuse but when Grim says he will back at 6pm, you would not be inclined to answer the door. And what if his child gets unruly while he is gone? How do you discipline the Grim Reaper’s child? I can’t imagine ‘time out’ being very effective to an eternal spirit.

I would imagine that the Grim house is pretty quite. He does not receive any mail, visitors and is on the do not call list. I have never seen his name listed in either the white or yellow pages. I think telemarketers have a tough job. The day your number rotation has you call the house of death may not be the sale you want.
“Yes” Grim says, “I will take everything you have. When can you come over and deliver everything?”

Since virtually everybody who has a job, answers to someone, I wonder who Grim answers to. Does he get monthly or yearly reviews? Is he called out on the carpet when he makes a mistake? And what would his punishment be? How do you reprimand death? It would be easy to think that Satan was his boss but I don’t think the after life, other than having your flesh ripped off every day, is much different than the world of the living. There must be miles of middle managers always coming up with new ideas. The paper work would be endless, especially since they could care less if they kill trees. A performance review may look like this.
“ Sit down Grim, take a load off. Have you lost weight? ”
“ I always liked your wit sir, why have you called me into your office?”
“ The Madison pick-up. According to the logs, you were there over an hour”
“She seemed too happy and she had just made dinner. It was like she was expecting me”
“The wise are always expecting you”
“Anyway, we talked and she didn’t seem like such a bad soul. I didn’t really want to take her”
“It is not up to us Grim. We don’t make the rules. I am the first to say I hate being a company man but I have a family to think of…. So leave your thoughts at home and give me some of those numbers I am use to….”
“Yes sir ‘ Grim replies.


I always imagined that it would end something like this for me. I would hear the doorbell ring and I would jump up with excitement for my hot steaming pizza. I fling the door open and there is Grim, he just shrugs.
I hear my wife yell from the kitchen,
“See, I told you that pizza would kill you!”
She would, as always, get the last word in.
My only hope and fantasy is that Grim is so busy that he has had to speed up his work by wearing roller blades. I don’t think this is unreasonable since there are more people to pick up and even death has to be time conscious. I think there should be a little levity if I am going to Hell for eternal punishment. I would have to wear roller blades too, just to keep up with him and since I have never been able to stop properly, or at all on those things, I am just hoping I ride right past Hell to the other side.



To read the history of the Grim Reaper, click the links below:

http://www.mythicalcreaturesguide.com/page/Grim+Reaper

http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/14896

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_(personification)

david flannery