I don't have any complaints with church. Go if you want, stay home if you want. I have read that more people are choosing to stay home than ever before so I wondered what would get them to come back. I have always felt that the church signs have long gone to waste. I don't care about a scripture passage or what time the service is that I will be sleeping through. Here are a few of my thoughts for the marquee and how to drive traffic.
I actually went into a church that had one of these sayings. I was also intrigued by the Superman cape that was dangling from the Church Spire. Apparently not even those with super powers could avoid getting caught in this Church. Before I entered the sanctuary, however, I bent down to get a drink at the fountain and the water stormed across my face and head. An electric message clicked on ...
" You have just been baptized at the HOLY CHURCH OF THE REDEEMED! Please follow the blinking arrows to get your new Christian packet !".
I shook my head like a dog and then took a seat in the back pew. All the parishioners turned around and after seeing my drenched Hawaiian shirt they nodded their approval. Some even mouthed ' Welcome'.
The music started and there were choir women in their long frocks working the pipe organs like strippers. One old woman really had the moves ! Apparently her husband? thought so too as he was dancing in the front row with his arms up and palms facing Heaven ! The Pastor came out and talked about sin, being saved, making mistakes and still being loved. What I liked is every time he talked about making a mistake, he blew on A slide whistle and every time he talked about being loved, he hit a gong. I thought that was a nice touch and I couldn't wait to talk to him after the service.
"Hi, I'm Bernie", I put out my hand. He grabbed it and gave me a hug.
"You look a lot like a David Flannery I once knew... but Welcome Bernie, We love when Jews convert !" He smiled looking at my wet shirt.
"I'm not Jewish" , I said.
"Not anymore!" He kept smiling. "So, what brings ya here today, got some eternal questions?"
"No, not really. Well... I do wonder why when the cardinals go to pick the pope the vote isn't unanimous. Aren't they suppose to be doing God's will? And I'm stumped why some people have two or three creases on the inside of their elbow, often inches apart, when the elbow only bends one way." I smiled back.
"Oh my gosh, the Lord brought me a deep thinker today! Maybe you should come to our Christian Barbecue and we could go over some things"
"That sounds fairly cannibalistic", I smiled even deeper.
"Holy Jesus, smart.... AND a sense of humor, what have I done to deserve this?" His teeth smiled out of his face.
"Come on Bernie, don't you want to experience life to the fullest, to love others, to make a difference, to be happy and to maybe even have kids"?
"Well Pastor, I had my tube tied with barbed wire so if I even think about kids it hurts"
"It might be time to loosen that grip my new friend, ever read the Bible?"
"I think of reading the Bible like I think about walking on hot coals, I let others do it."
" Hmmm, so you have an opinion on a book you have never read?"
"Not really" I added, " I just read the end and it didn't seem like a very happy ending for most so I figured why go any further?"
" Listen, you may have missed the point, can you come back next week? We are firing up Hebrews! I mean Hebrew Franks... ha ha ha, not Hebrew Bernies !"
" I told you I'm not Jewish"
"I know, I can see your shirt !"
"Wait " I said, " I am not sure how happy I am with this church"
"Don't worry, think how we must feel having you as a member!" He bent over laughing.
He hugged me, curtsied with his robe and then starting singing down the hallway when he turned back and yelled,
"Come back next week Bernie, we'll give you something you can sink your teeth into and you'll want to come back for seconds and thirds! Remember, staying in bed shouting, Oh GOD ! Does not constitute going to church!"
He smiled, gave me the thumbs up and kept walking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQU7UiD6Kik
www.pepperdine.edu/biblelectures
www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqBg6YkarH4
http://www.says-it.com/churchsigns/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8KxXHibv6A
All words copyrighted by David Flannery. All images borrowed without permission : (
Tithe Free Sunday !!!!
Want to do something your Parents never did ? Come to Church regularly !!!
Free Valet Parking in Heaven, get your ticket validated here !!!
Indulgences ! Buy one get one FREE !!!
1969 French Communal Wine !!!
1969 French Communal Wine !!!
I actually went into a church that had one of these sayings. I was also intrigued by the Superman cape that was dangling from the Church Spire. Apparently not even those with super powers could avoid getting caught in this Church. Before I entered the sanctuary, however, I bent down to get a drink at the fountain and the water stormed across my face and head. An electric message clicked on ...
" You have just been baptized at the HOLY CHURCH OF THE REDEEMED! Please follow the blinking arrows to get your new Christian packet !".
I shook my head like a dog and then took a seat in the back pew. All the parishioners turned around and after seeing my drenched Hawaiian shirt they nodded their approval. Some even mouthed ' Welcome'.
The music started and there were choir women in their long frocks working the pipe organs like strippers. One old woman really had the moves ! Apparently her husband? thought so too as he was dancing in the front row with his arms up and palms facing Heaven ! The Pastor came out and talked about sin, being saved, making mistakes and still being loved. What I liked is every time he talked about making a mistake, he blew on A slide whistle and every time he talked about being loved, he hit a gong. I thought that was a nice touch and I couldn't wait to talk to him after the service.
"Hi, I'm Bernie", I put out my hand. He grabbed it and gave me a hug.
"You look a lot like a David Flannery I once knew... but Welcome Bernie, We love when Jews convert !" He smiled looking at my wet shirt.
"I'm not Jewish" , I said.
"Not anymore!" He kept smiling. "So, what brings ya here today, got some eternal questions?"
"No, not really. Well... I do wonder why when the cardinals go to pick the pope the vote isn't unanimous. Aren't they suppose to be doing God's will? And I'm stumped why some people have two or three creases on the inside of their elbow, often inches apart, when the elbow only bends one way." I smiled back.
"Oh my gosh, the Lord brought me a deep thinker today! Maybe you should come to our Christian Barbecue and we could go over some things"
"That sounds fairly cannibalistic", I smiled even deeper.
"Holy Jesus, smart.... AND a sense of humor, what have I done to deserve this?" His teeth smiled out of his face.
"Come on Bernie, don't you want to experience life to the fullest, to love others, to make a difference, to be happy and to maybe even have kids"?
"Well Pastor, I had my tube tied with barbed wire so if I even think about kids it hurts"
"It might be time to loosen that grip my new friend, ever read the Bible?"
"I think of reading the Bible like I think about walking on hot coals, I let others do it."
" Hmmm, so you have an opinion on a book you have never read?"
"Not really" I added, " I just read the end and it didn't seem like a very happy ending for most so I figured why go any further?"
" Listen, you may have missed the point, can you come back next week? We are firing up Hebrews! I mean Hebrew Franks... ha ha ha, not Hebrew Bernies !"
" I told you I'm not Jewish"
"I know, I can see your shirt !"
"Wait " I said, " I am not sure how happy I am with this church"
"Don't worry, think how we must feel having you as a member!" He bent over laughing.
He hugged me, curtsied with his robe and then starting singing down the hallway when he turned back and yelled,
"Come back next week Bernie, we'll give you something you can sink your teeth into and you'll want to come back for seconds and thirds! Remember, staying in bed shouting, Oh GOD ! Does not constitute going to church!"
He smiled, gave me the thumbs up and kept walking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQU7UiD6Kik
www.pepperdine.edu/biblelectures
www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqBg6YkarH4
http://www.says-it.com/churchsigns/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8KxXHibv6A
All words copyrighted by David Flannery. All images borrowed without permission : (
Dear Jesus that was funny ! Where is this church ? I might just convert !
ReplyDeleteMIKE V.
As your present Pastor I am alarmed how close this one hits home. Not my actions of course but yours, lol.
ReplyDeleteI will keep an hour open for your confession tomorrow. Love you Brother!!!!!! Pastor J
hmmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteWHAT a surprise that Bernie writes about religion ( like all the time ) yawn! Just Kidding. I love Bernie, wish he were single.
ReplyDeleteMiss you sooooo much and Bernie too
ReplyDeleteAmy told me to read this ---- HA HA HA
ReplyDeleteI think my name says it all, Bernie old man/boy! lol. very clever all in all ooxxoo
ReplyDeleteI was going to go into the clergy but I realized I would run into people like Bernie everyday.
ReplyDeletewow i have some reading to do, a cure for insomnia perhaps?
ReplyDeletenice job
ReplyDeletei like fritters
ReplyDeleteWhy do People think this is 'funny' ?
ReplyDeleteCAUSE IT IS FUNNY RETARD
ReplyDeleteYOU HAVE BEEN HIT TOO MANY TIMES IN THE HEAD AND I DON'T MEAN YOUR MISSING TEETH FROM LA!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat was a good read
ReplyDeleteVERY CLEVER
ReplyDeleteYou are a funny man, even if you are a cartoon.
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