BEING put out to PASTOR ...

I don't have any complaints with church. Go if you want, stay home if you want. I have read that more people are choosing to stay home than ever before so I wondered what would get them to come back. I have always felt that the church signs have long gone to waste. I don't care about a scripture passage or what time the service is that  I will be sleeping through. Here are a few of my thoughts for the marquee and how to drive traffic.

Tithe Free Sunday !!!!

Want to do something your Parents never did ? Come to Church regularly !!!

Free Valet Parking in Heaven, get your ticket validated here !!!

Indulgences ! Buy one get one FREE !!! 

1969 French Communal Wine !!! 

I actually went into a church that had one of these sayings. I was also intrigued by the Superman cape that was dangling from the Church Spire. Apparently not even those with super powers could avoid getting caught in this Church. Before I entered the sanctuary, however,  I bent down to get a drink at the fountain and the water stormed across my face and  head. An electric message clicked on ...
" You have just been baptized at the HOLY CHURCH OF THE REDEEMED!  Please follow the blinking arrows to get your new Christian packet !".
I shook my head like a dog and then took a seat in the back pew.  All the parishioners turned around and after seeing my drenched Hawaiian shirt they nodded their approval. Some even mouthed ' Welcome'.

The music started and there were choir women in their long frocks working the pipe organs like strippers. One old woman really had the moves ! Apparently her husband?  thought so too as he was dancing in the front row with his arms up and palms facing Heaven !  The Pastor came out and talked about sin, being saved, making mistakes and still being loved. What I liked is every time he talked about making a mistake, he blew on A slide whistle and every time he talked about being loved, he hit a gong. I thought that was a nice touch and I couldn't wait to talk to him after the service.

"Hi, I'm Bernie",  I put out my hand. He grabbed it and gave me a hug.
"You look a lot like a David Flannery I once knew... but Welcome Bernie, We love when Jews convert !"  He smiled looking at my wet shirt.
"I'm not Jewish" , I said.
"Not anymore!" He kept smiling. "So, what brings ya here today, got some eternal questions?"
"No, not really. Well... I  do wonder why when the cardinals go to pick the pope the vote isn't unanimous. Aren't they suppose to be doing God's will?  And I'm stumped  why some people have two or three creases on the inside of their elbow, often inches apart,  when the elbow only bends one way."  I smiled back.
"Oh my gosh, the Lord brought me a deep thinker today! Maybe you should come to our Christian Barbecue and we could go over some things"
"That sounds fairly cannibalistic",  I smiled even deeper.
"Holy Jesus, smart.... AND a sense of humor, what have I done to deserve this?"  His teeth smiled out of his face.
"Come on Bernie, don't you want to experience life to the fullest, to  love others, to  make a difference, to be happy and to maybe even have kids"?
"Well Pastor, I had my tube tied with barbed wire so if I even think about kids it hurts"
"It might be time to loosen that grip my new friend, ever read the Bible?"
"I think of reading  the Bible like I think about walking on hot coals, I let others do it."
" Hmmm, so you have an opinion on a book you have never read?"
"Not really" I added, " I just read the end and it didn't seem like a very happy ending for most so I figured why go any further?"
" Listen, you may have missed the point, can you come back next week? We are firing up Hebrews! I mean Hebrew Franks... ha ha ha, not Hebrew Bernies !"
" I told you I'm not Jewish"
"I know, I can see your shirt !"
"Wait " I said, " I am not sure how happy I am with this church"
"Don't worry, think how we must feel having you as a member!" He bent over laughing.
He hugged me, curtsied with his robe and then starting singing down the hallway when he turned back and yelled,
"Come back next week Bernie, we'll give you something you can sink your teeth into and you'll want to come back for seconds and thirds! Remember, staying in bed shouting, Oh GOD ! Does not constitute going to church!"
He smiled, gave me the thumbs up and kept walking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQU7UiD6Kik
www.pepperdine.edu/biblelectures

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqBg6YkarH4

http://www.says-it.com/churchsigns/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8KxXHibv6A

All words copyrighted by David Flannery. All images borrowed without permission  : (

Dating in the Drive Thru...

It was bad enough that I was going on a date in my 40's, let alone my fourth blind date in the last year. No one plans such things. Instead of feeling 15 because of  butterflies in my stomach, I felt 15 because she picked me up in her mini van. It was like 8th grade all over again, I expected her mother to appear in the backseat but, that would occur later.

It was the Sunday after Christmas and only the Grocery store and McDonald's had their lights on. Since I wanted to show her the town, I made sure to take her to both places.  We pulled into the fast-food restaurant and she asked if I wanted to go in, or use the drive thru. I said we should go inside to get the full experience. ( I was hoping Ronald's Playroom was closed, nothing worse than an inflexible 40 year old being asked to show off ). I ordered and handed the pimply teenager 10 dollars for the meals and he asked me if my date qualified for the McDiscount for Senior citizens. I shook my head and reached in my pocket to handed him my man card.  Apparently as I approached my 50's, I wouldn't need it anymore. I took my tray and grabbed the brochure for the discounted McCoffin.

We sat down with our plastic meals and she asked if she could call her mother.
I said, " Why, it's still light out ?"
She smiled and said, " She just wants to know if I made it all right"
I asked, " Does she know you are on blind date?"
"No, are you crazy?" ( I never answer that question).
Being the gentleman, I told her to go ahead but, first I asked her if she wanted some fries with her phone call. She politely refused. I realized I might be making too big of a deal of McDonald's, I would hate to get naked later and have her ask me if I would super-size it.

As she nibbled and as I gorged, she kept asking all the necessary questions. Why did I live where I live, What do I do for a living, Why did I come to this state, Why did my home look like a crack house? I can answer all pre-coital questions with one answer, " I don't know" (and that is not being a smart ass). I then mumbled something about how most things I do seem like a good idea at the time. I didn't ask her much but, questions. but when I did it was well thought out.

"How many of your friends did you give my home address to?"
"All of them" She smiled.

Later, as the coffee was almost finished she starting telling me about her ex-husband and why her marriage didn't work.
"You know, that is taboo on the first date", I mentioned.
"What is?" She asked.
"Talking about your ex. I never talk about my ex's.  I prefer to show pictures, here" , I reached for my wallet.
"Oh my God...You are kidding , right ? " Her mouth dropped to the Hamburgler place mat.
" Yes, I am kidding", shaking my head in disbelief, " the pictures are nudes and they never leave the house!"

McDonald's was changing from Breakfast to their Lunchtime fare and this excitement was making me think about dinner.  I asked her if she could drive me to the Grocery Store so I could buy a frozen entree. I of course asked if she too would like a frozen dinner. She said she would, so we placed our trays away and we headed to her child carrier. She clicked the beeper and the van unlocked as the side panel door slid open. I half expected 2 guys wearing masks to jump out and grab me.
"That's great for dry cleaning",  she pointed out. I looked back at the kid who now owned my Man card . He was wiping our table and waving to me.
"Travel well my young friend, travel well" , I thought.

On to the second tier of the date...I suppose that standing in front of the freezer section was a good time to get to know about each other. It became obvious that neither one of us liked vegetables. We were only staring at frozen meat. Would she pick a Lean cuisine ( God, I hoped not) or a Hungry man ( God, I hoped not ). I refused to pull out my coupons or to guide her to the items that were discounted if I used my Clown Town Buyers Card. She seemed aware of my peril since she handed me a box and said " Here, this one is on sale" I let slip, " Excellent !". We grabbed a large beverage and we moved to the cashier. I was hoping my gold plated debit card was impressing her. I decided not to use my food stamp card, even though it was prettier. The sale went through which was like an omen for a second date. What could go wrong now?

Now, she had already seen my house which begs the question as to why she was willing to return. It occurred to me why she liked her automatic side door, she was going to do a drive by and I was going to be tossed onto the never mowed front lawn. She had seen my chipped tooth and apparently was impressed how it made me whistle whether I wanted it to or not.

I live in a 3 bedroom house in one of the nicer neighborhoods in this sleepy town but, the previous owner was doing time. The windows are all painted ( and I mean the glass, not the wood frames ) and every room looks like a lion was ill fed and not allowed to leave. There is wall paper missing and gouge marks that would frighten a bear. What ever remodeling was attempted was done by a dyslexic Bob Vila. I was tempted to look under the new hard wood floors to see if there was carpet.The first floor was a vision into WW2 London with all the bombing and heat peeled wall paper.
Ever aware about creating mood, I started a fire by putting in a starter log and newspaper.  I did not have any wood.  She said she would do anything for a roaring fire. I started breaking up some of the furniture. I burnt my finger lighting trying to add awkward pieces of my futon. I shrieked smoothly and just said fires make me sing like Prince. The blaze became impressive but the lacquer treated wood did not smell so good.

Did she end up seeing the 2nd floor?  A gentleman never discusses these things... but the date did end well and I know this since she called me the next day and not the police.

 

Need dating help? Well, you are screwed but here are some links ...


http://advice.eharmony.com/article/dating-older-women-8-things-you-need-to-know.html

http://articles.cnn.com/2010-05-24/living/tf.rules.dating.older.man_1_older-dating-age-difference?_s=PM:LIVING

http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-You-Should-Meet-Older-Women-For-Dating&id=5407800