Dating in the Drive Thru...

It was bad enough that I was going on a date in my 40's, let alone my fourth blind date in the last year. No one plans such things. Instead of feeling 15 because of  butterflies in my stomach, I felt 15 because she picked me up in her mini van. It was like 8th grade all over again, I expected her mother to appear in the backseat but, that would occur later.

It was the Sunday after Christmas and only the Grocery store and McDonald's had their lights on. Since I wanted to show her the town, I made sure to take her to both places.  We pulled into the fast-food restaurant and she asked if I wanted to go in, or use the drive thru. I said we should go inside to get the full experience. ( I was hoping Ronald's Playroom was closed, nothing worse than an inflexible 40 year old being asked to show off ). I ordered and handed the pimply teenager 10 dollars for the meals and he asked me if my date qualified for the McDiscount for Senior citizens. I shook my head and reached in my pocket to handed him my man card.  Apparently as I approached my 50's, I wouldn't need it anymore. I took my tray and grabbed the brochure for the discounted McCoffin.

We sat down with our plastic meals and she asked if she could call her mother.
I said, " Why, it's still light out ?"
She smiled and said, " She just wants to know if I made it all right"
I asked, " Does she know you are on blind date?"
"No, are you crazy?" ( I never answer that question).
Being the gentleman, I told her to go ahead but, first I asked her if she wanted some fries with her phone call. She politely refused. I realized I might be making too big of a deal of McDonald's, I would hate to get naked later and have her ask me if I would super-size it.

As she nibbled and as I gorged, she kept asking all the necessary questions. Why did I live where I live, What do I do for a living, Why did I come to this state, Why did my home look like a crack house? I can answer all pre-coital questions with one answer, " I don't know" (and that is not being a smart ass). I then mumbled something about how most things I do seem like a good idea at the time. I didn't ask her much but, questions. but when I did it was well thought out.

"How many of your friends did you give my home address to?"
"All of them" She smiled.

Later, as the coffee was almost finished she starting telling me about her ex-husband and why her marriage didn't work.
"You know, that is taboo on the first date", I mentioned.
"What is?" She asked.
"Talking about your ex. I never talk about my ex's.  I prefer to show pictures, here" , I reached for my wallet.
"Oh my God...You are kidding , right ? " Her mouth dropped to the Hamburgler place mat.
" Yes, I am kidding", shaking my head in disbelief, " the pictures are nudes and they never leave the house!"

McDonald's was changing from Breakfast to their Lunchtime fare and this excitement was making me think about dinner.  I asked her if she could drive me to the Grocery Store so I could buy a frozen entree. I of course asked if she too would like a frozen dinner. She said she would, so we placed our trays away and we headed to her child carrier. She clicked the beeper and the van unlocked as the side panel door slid open. I half expected 2 guys wearing masks to jump out and grab me.
"That's great for dry cleaning",  she pointed out. I looked back at the kid who now owned my Man card . He was wiping our table and waving to me.
"Travel well my young friend, travel well" , I thought.

On to the second tier of the date...I suppose that standing in front of the freezer section was a good time to get to know about each other. It became obvious that neither one of us liked vegetables. We were only staring at frozen meat. Would she pick a Lean cuisine ( God, I hoped not) or a Hungry man ( God, I hoped not ). I refused to pull out my coupons or to guide her to the items that were discounted if I used my Clown Town Buyers Card. She seemed aware of my peril since she handed me a box and said " Here, this one is on sale" I let slip, " Excellent !". We grabbed a large beverage and we moved to the cashier. I was hoping my gold plated debit card was impressing her. I decided not to use my food stamp card, even though it was prettier. The sale went through which was like an omen for a second date. What could go wrong now?

Now, she had already seen my house which begs the question as to why she was willing to return. It occurred to me why she liked her automatic side door, she was going to do a drive by and I was going to be tossed onto the never mowed front lawn. She had seen my chipped tooth and apparently was impressed how it made me whistle whether I wanted it to or not.

I live in a 3 bedroom house in one of the nicer neighborhoods in this sleepy town but, the previous owner was doing time. The windows are all painted ( and I mean the glass, not the wood frames ) and every room looks like a lion was ill fed and not allowed to leave. There is wall paper missing and gouge marks that would frighten a bear. What ever remodeling was attempted was done by a dyslexic Bob Vila. I was tempted to look under the new hard wood floors to see if there was carpet.The first floor was a vision into WW2 London with all the bombing and heat peeled wall paper.
Ever aware about creating mood, I started a fire by putting in a starter log and newspaper.  I did not have any wood.  She said she would do anything for a roaring fire. I started breaking up some of the furniture. I burnt my finger lighting trying to add awkward pieces of my futon. I shrieked smoothly and just said fires make me sing like Prince. The blaze became impressive but the lacquer treated wood did not smell so good.

Did she end up seeing the 2nd floor?  A gentleman never discusses these things... but the date did end well and I know this since she called me the next day and not the police.

 

Need dating help? Well, you are screwed but here are some links ...


http://advice.eharmony.com/article/dating-older-women-8-things-you-need-to-know.html

http://articles.cnn.com/2010-05-24/living/tf.rules.dating.older.man_1_older-dating-age-difference?_s=PM:LIVING

http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-You-Should-Meet-Older-Women-For-Dating&id=5407800

The Perfect Crime and Other Blunders

Every Since I was a young child, I wanted to pull off the perfect crime. I had high ideals. I loved the idea of stealing millions and living in Tahiti for the rest of my life. I realize I have just spoiled those plans since I have just given written proof of intent and where I can be found. Tahiti does not have an extradition treaty with the United States, howeverm so if I got there, with prior intent or not, I could still live in hut with my feet dangling in the water. Maybe that is where the shark will finally get me.

What threatened my plans was I kept growing. Smaller than 6 foot would have been okay. But God had other plans since I pushed 6 inches past 6 ft. Now, the only place I blend in is at basketball camp. I could not slip out the back of a bank or casino and casually walk down the street since my head would be a good 6-10 inches above the other bobbing heads. Inspector Gadget would not need any toys to find me. I have yet to see a single movie where a really tall guy gets away with anything. We usually play the role of the guy in jail that the hero knocks out to win everyone's respect.

One would think this would naturally have lead me to be the organizer and the man that is never seen in crime dramas but I was not smart enough. I had not met any real criminals or anyone with my criminal intent, my fault for not having spent enough time in jail. Tall or not, I was going to have to learn the way every one else does, trial and error and mostly by myself.

I started stealing whatever I could from my Mom’s meager purse and from my neighbors. No honor among theives here. A few quarters were never missed in a pool of change. It cost 50 cents for lunch so when I took a few quarters, I was rolling in it. I would steal my sister’s rings in 6th grade and give them to my girlfriend. This worked wonders. My sister probably thought she lost them and my girlfriend loved the gifts. The plan unraveled when I realized my sister was staring a hole in the back of my head on the bus. We all rode the bus together and my girlfriend was showing off her new ring. It became pretty obvious that although I had the initial social dysfunction to steal, I was not too smart. I knew I needed to learn more before I went on.

My plan was to go to a library and at gun point, demand all the books on money. The fact that it may take the librarian a good a hour to round them all up could lead to my capture but I have scoped out many libraries and the security is really lax. My problem would be to remember not to give my library card or to show back up when the books were due. I thought maybe I should start with a small county library and work my way up.

I ended up skiping the Library, however, as I deemed it too risky. I went right to shop lifting. I had an 8th grade friend that hatched a scheme and I was invited in. Like any good gangster film, I was the hired help. I was not the brains of the operation which was probably a smart decision but the shear boldness of the plan definitely pointed to lack of intellect. While I diverted the girl at the cash register, my friend crawled behind her and grabbed a carton of cigarettes. In the early 70’s they were kept right at the counter. We did not take into consideration that there would be other people in line. I could see my friend’s ass wiggle as he bent to to fearlessly grab our stash. The store manager or bag guy could have caught us at any time. Some how, we pulled it off but, thankfully it was our first and last heist together. He later grew up to become the mayor.

I went solo on the shoplifting and my escape plan was always to run. I never had to and it built a laziness and an I can get away with anything mentality.
I shimmied up the crime pole by moving onto cars.

The first time I tried it, it was as easy as waking up on a spring morning. I am not sure how many times I would go for joy rides but at one point I invited a friend and we went into town and all over the country side. I ran around so much that I had to get gas. The attendant knew I was 13 and called the police. The police were waiting for me with a 2 car trap when I neared home so I tried to avoid them. The quickly saw it was me and had me pull over. I handed them my brother’s license that claimed I was 16. Back then, there were no pictures just a vague description. The police officer looked at the license and then at me.

“Aren’t you Bernie"?
“Hardly"! I snickered.
“That is my younger brother, I‘m Wayne” I smiled.
“That was an amazing shot you made to win the basketball game on Tuesday” the officer added.
“Thanks” I said.
As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized that my brother, Wayne, was a basketball legend in this small town and I was busted. The cop knew all along that my hairless chin was not that of my brother’s. What really took it down the wrong road was when he leaned down and held the flashlight on my friend. It was his nephew.

My only punishment was that I had to spend the night at my friend’s house and that should have been enough since I thought his father was going to kill me. I slept in the living room, still alive, thinking of my next heist.

I realized it was time to move on to banks. I didn’t see this as any big deal. The tellers are trained to just give you the money while they press the button. I just needed 30 seconds for one drawer to be emptied and another minute if I wanted to add any others. I did this without fail and walked calmly out of the bank with a sack full of money. I would have gotten away with it had I not stopped to write my name in some wet cement.

For more advice on how to commit the perfect crime...

http://listverse.com/2007/08/16/top-10-tips-to-commit-the-perfect-crime/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfect_crime


"david flannery"

It’s Good To Be King

Every young boy has dreamed of being King, whether it was playing King of the Hill or running around the house with a cape and a staff. Maybe the staff didn’t turn into a snake like it did for Moses and Pharaoh but they were still magical moments.

My paternal grandmother’s maiden name is Lyons. We share this last name with the Queen of England. The Brits so love their queen, I guess they overlooked the fact that Lyons is a German name. The damn Germans ended up ruling England after all. Hitler went to all that trouble to bomb England into submission and all he had to do was breed his way in. (Not him personally, thinking about Hitler and sex is the second most revolting thing about WW 2, all the death and disfigurement coming in a solid first).

Being related to the crown has had no real practical advantages. No girl in any bar has ever believed that I was a royal, even when I threw in my famous British accent. I had even less luck when I spoke in my normal Pittsburghese. When I visited Buckingham Palace (my distant family’s summer home), my special connection did not even get me a discount on admission. Every time I touched something on the tour, I got yelled at despite my protests that I owned it. I stood in front of the famous stoic guards with their big black hats and ordered them to look at me. My best one liners didn’t even get a smirk. Apparently they did not get the memo that I was coming. I went on Ancestory.com to research my heritage. This whole site has got to be going broke. I have spent most of my life avoiding family, why would anyone pay to find more? Anyway, I have done the math and it appears there are 48 million people ahead of me for the throne. Talk about sibling rivalry. It is one thing to knock off an older brother to get to the big seat but to wipe out entire cities and countries is a large task. I have a much better chance of being marooned on an island and starting my own Lord of the Flies tribe. That was the book we all had to read in school that prepared us for the real world. The real world where most people would rather put your head on a spit than do something nice for you.

What would I do if I was King for a day? Would I over eat, over sex or pass laws that cleared the streets while I was driven around? Maybe the latter but here are a few of the things I would definitely do. I would outlaw cell phones. Talk when you get home, you are simply not that important. The idea that we use them while we drive is almost definitive proof that evolution is false. The universe would not spend 15 billion years making something so stupid. If you want to prove the existence of God, don’t look to the fossil record or the Bible, just point to stupid people. If you are one of those select few that have to move their cell phone down to their mouth every time they talk, you will be dealt with swiftly and put in the tower of London. Your only food will be stacks of the Yellow Pages books that no one uses. In order to keep you connected during your stay, you will have a tin can with a string connecting you to another equally stupid human.

I would destroy all Televisions. No more cable. Everything is better on the radio. Everyone pays over $100 dollars a month for a glowing box. Have I mentioned what I thought about Evolution? Anything that encourages you to stay inside will have to be abolished. Don’t worry; I will keep indoor plumbing, besides, the Sears catalog is no longer printed (you are old if you get that reference)

Other things I would do. No more taxes. All of your money would come to me and I will decide what to do with it. This is much like the IRS but I will be reasonable about it. I will spend your money on grand distractions so you will not know you are getting screwed. Besides, now that you don’t have a cell phone or cable package, you will actually have money in your pocket and you will not worry about the wars I start or the villages I pillage.

I think I am looking forward to holding court. I especially can’t wait to have a court jester. If he is not funny that day, off with his head! They say humor is born from pain but lack of humor will result in more pain! ( as any laughless marriage will attest). The best part about getting rid of the court’s funny man is I can then steal all of his jokes and say they are mine. There will be no witnesses and if there were, who would argue? I am the King.


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