It’s Good To Be King

Every young boy has dreamed of being King, whether it was playing King of the Hill or running around the house with a cape and a staff. Maybe the staff didn’t turn into a snake like it did for Moses and Pharaoh but they were still magical moments.

My paternal grandmother’s maiden name is Lyons. We share this last name with the Queen of England. The Brits so love their queen, I guess they overlooked the fact that Lyons is a German name. The damn Germans ended up ruling England after all. Hitler went to all that trouble to bomb England into submission and all he had to do was breed his way in. (Not him personally, thinking about Hitler and sex is the second most revolting thing about WW 2, all the death and disfigurement coming in a solid first).

Being related to the crown has had no real practical advantages. No girl in any bar has ever believed that I was a royal, even when I threw in my famous British accent. I had even less luck when I spoke in my normal Pittsburghese. When I visited Buckingham Palace (my distant family’s summer home), my special connection did not even get me a discount on admission. Every time I touched something on the tour, I got yelled at despite my protests that I owned it. I stood in front of the famous stoic guards with their big black hats and ordered them to look at me. My best one liners didn’t even get a smirk. Apparently they did not get the memo that I was coming. I went on Ancestory.com to research my heritage. This whole site has got to be going broke. I have spent most of my life avoiding family, why would anyone pay to find more? Anyway, I have done the math and it appears there are 48 million people ahead of me for the throne. Talk about sibling rivalry. It is one thing to knock off an older brother to get to the big seat but to wipe out entire cities and countries is a large task. I have a much better chance of being marooned on an island and starting my own Lord of the Flies tribe. That was the book we all had to read in school that prepared us for the real world. The real world where most people would rather put your head on a spit than do something nice for you.

What would I do if I was King for a day? Would I over eat, over sex or pass laws that cleared the streets while I was driven around? Maybe the latter but here are a few of the things I would definitely do. I would outlaw cell phones. Talk when you get home, you are simply not that important. The idea that we use them while we drive is almost definitive proof that evolution is false. The universe would not spend 15 billion years making something so stupid. If you want to prove the existence of God, don’t look to the fossil record or the Bible, just point to stupid people. If you are one of those select few that have to move their cell phone down to their mouth every time they talk, you will be dealt with swiftly and put in the tower of London. Your only food will be stacks of the Yellow Pages books that no one uses. In order to keep you connected during your stay, you will have a tin can with a string connecting you to another equally stupid human.

I would destroy all Televisions. No more cable. Everything is better on the radio. Everyone pays over $100 dollars a month for a glowing box. Have I mentioned what I thought about Evolution? Anything that encourages you to stay inside will have to be abolished. Don’t worry; I will keep indoor plumbing, besides, the Sears catalog is no longer printed (you are old if you get that reference)

Other things I would do. No more taxes. All of your money would come to me and I will decide what to do with it. This is much like the IRS but I will be reasonable about it. I will spend your money on grand distractions so you will not know you are getting screwed. Besides, now that you don’t have a cell phone or cable package, you will actually have money in your pocket and you will not worry about the wars I start or the villages I pillage.

I think I am looking forward to holding court. I especially can’t wait to have a court jester. If he is not funny that day, off with his head! They say humor is born from pain but lack of humor will result in more pain! ( as any laughless marriage will attest). The best part about getting rid of the court’s funny man is I can then steal all of his jokes and say they are mine. There will be no witnesses and if there were, who would argue? I am the King.


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